Pulled in two (or more) directions

The net effect: I can’t move in a direction.

So I haven’t written in a while...or read my book in a while. I’ve kind of gotten tired of trying to synthesize various people’s ideas to determine where this country (or the world) is heading and what outcome will result. Even if what Jerry Mander, Chris Martenson, Eric Schlosser, George Orwell, and/or Aldous Huxley say(s) is correct (um, see last three posts), it’s out of my control.

I also feel that even trying to use those people’s perspectives to predict what will happen next that, really, nobody knows what will happen. Or, perhaps I should say that even in knowing what will (or could) happen, we can’t stop it. We won’t stop it. It’s just like I said in Season 3. See that? It comes down to each of us as individuals. Not other people, not societies, not the system, etc.

We won’t deal with problems until we’re forced to (sometimes not even then).

So, I’m tired of writing about it.

...While at the same time, I feel some sense of stress relief when I do write about these things. Which made me wonder if any of these authors (and others) really expect to bring about change and awareness by writing their books or if it’s just cathartic for them.

Anyway, this isn’t what I sat down to write about. The reason I’m being pulled in two directions is that I’ve been looking more into teaching in Korea. In weighing out my prospects here vs. there, I’m seeing a more positive outlook in Korea.

What’s holding me back? 1) The fact that no one seems to want me to go and 2) this quote from a teaching overseas book I bought before teaching in Taiwan:

“Present Your Materials Well...Nothing makes an EFL teacher look more unprofessional than boardwork or worksheets which are badly written or misspelled...And check that any worksheets...are well-presented, accurate, and free from mistakes.” (Teaching English Overseas: A Job Guide For Americans & Canadians, by Jeff Mohamed.)

The next section talks about being organized.

Ugh! I know I wasn’t the best teacher. But I know I had positive results with my students.

I’m tired of holding on to ideals and principals that I can’t live up to…that really, no one can live up to. (Interestingly, there’s a disclaimer at the beginning of the above mentioned book that there may be “typographical” and “content” errors.)

I just want to be human and be accepted for that. But society and the system we live in won’t let that happen. (Oh! The irony! I can’t change myself or accept myself so I’ll blame society and the system! Ha ha!)

Or perhaps what people have told me is true; that I expect too much from myself. And don’t I expect too much from others? It’s difficult to tell. What’s been socially reinforced over the years is that no matter how hard I try, it’s never good enough for people (or myself). And when I expect less from myself, I get complaints that I’m not putting in enough effort. I don’t see how I can win other than to not care anymore.

Fuck it. I’m applying for jobs in Korea. I’ll change course if I see something better.

Anyway, I’m tired. Congratulations if you read this far.